Dear Dating Couple,

Dating is the process, not only of finding the right person to marry, but dating also establishes the context in which your marriage will exist. Think of this as an open letter to dating couples. I hope you find here some thoughts and questions that will help you assess your budding relationship and whether is should progress toward a permanent relationship.

Marriage is not sacred, not say, like the Holy of Holies in the Temple of God. In that sanctuary, any imperfection would bring the utter destruction of the person. Marriage, however, is just the opposite. It is a sanctuary for fools and sinners. I like marriage – it is an equal opportunity institution. Even I qualified!

My experience has taught me that most of the strength of marriage comes from decisions made long before that memorable ceremony seals the bond. We are all surrounded with the pain of marriages that did not flourish. Some die and are buried in divorce, some are just mummified with both partners stiffly living through a dusty, dry relationship. My certain conviction is that every marriage has the hope and possibility of being the greatest relationship ever known to mankind. (When I finally came to that conviction, my own marriage began to explode in colors even Crayola couldn’t imagine.) Whether you two marry each other or not, I want to sow some seeds of hope for a future that God has already promised to bless.

Please do be honest with each other about those matters that only the heart can ascertain. One of my key verses is Hebrews 4.12 in which we learn that God judges the thoughts and intentions of the heart. I must ask each of you individually – are the thoughts and intentions of your heart leading you further in your courtship? Within seconds after locking eyes on one another and beginning to advance your relationship, the world of externals begins crush in on you in ways you never realize – often, until its too late. Whether it’s parents proud of your excellent choice in a date or the pastor who keeps checking the ring finger, there are a lot of dangerous asteroids orbiting the dating universe.

I have sadly seen young adults manage their relationship based on these externals. Are there any externals managing you two? Are you pleasing anyone other than God and each other? Are you afraid there would be more pain in moving apart than staying together? If, by chance, you are feeling drawn apart, every day you stay together will lead only to greater pain, sooner or later.

(Don’t worry – this letter is going to end on a real high note! Stay with me.)

So, the externals can real louse up a good courtship. Please, don't let bad reasons keep you together. Deal with them now. I do not have any clue that you two should split. My concern is that if either of you is thinking that you should - - - you should!

The other thing that compromises a great marriage relationship is, of course, the internals. The things that you are reluctant to say even to each other.

Young Lady, do you respect your friend and the way he makes choices in life?

Does he have the integrity, honor, and courage that you know you will demand of a godly lifemate?

Are you patiently waiting out some certain immaturity that really galls you?

Does he respect you?

Does he honor you?

Does he embarrass you in social situations and not seem to "get it"?

Does he cherish your world, your history, your family, your future?

Is there a part of your life into which he is not welcome?

Does he make you feel precious (in the real meaning of the word)?

Does he apologize like a man or squirm guiltily like a mouse?

Are you holding back from telling him anything (about him or you) for fear that it would compromise your relationship?

Is he the kind of man that you could "submit" to?

Will he lead you upward or downward in your submission?

Does he handle failure with confidence?

Does he handle success with humility?

Does he court you the way you need to be courted?

Do you love him for who he is and not who you hope he might become?

Young man, if your friend was not the very definition of beautiful, would you love her as much?

Could she live without you or are you her savior – do you need to be needed?

Do you look upon her as her Heavenly Father does?

Would you lovingly leave her if she needed you to?

Are you proud of her?

Could you spend 24 hours listing her good points? (It’s just a good idea to have a few hours in reserve. . . for those times that an apology just isn’t cutting it!)

How do you feel after a date with your friend?

Do you two share friends?

Do you like her friends?

Can she stand yours?

Can you live without your friends?

Does she rightly trust your faithfulness?

Do you demonstrate to her the humility and compassion of Christ?

Are you holding back from telling her anything (about her or you) for fear that it would compromise your relationship?

Can you accept the way she pouts or mourns or suffers sadness?

Is there a part of your life into which she is not welcome?

Is your passion for her pure?

Do you love her for who she is and not who you hope she might become?

Those questions may prompt your brain a little bit. I want you to know there are no secrets between people in a close relationship. The facts may be hidden, but the emotional effort required to manage those secrets drains the life out of a relationship. If either of you have secrets that can’t be shared, you are not ready to go beyond a dating relationship. That may be just where you two are right now. You have been warned; don’t go further until you are comfortable being vulnerable to one another. Then you will discover the trust you will need to build a dazzling marriage.

Now, as if I hadn’t gone far enough in saying all that, I am going to say a good deal more. I don’t know where you two are in terms of your physical relationship. Since I am this austere, pious, and unworldly man of the cloth, I am going to suppose that you are both behaving in a way that would make me – and your mothers – proud.

Our society offers virtually no discouragement to unrestrained sexual activity. The sad reality is that you can change society, but you can’t change chemistry. When boys and girls start behaving like husbands and wives, something significant is lost – FREEDOM. Dating is about finding your lifemate, not mating. When you find your lifemate, get married and, well, carry on! If you are not sure about your date, well, don’t mate! My office floor is stained with the tears of women who married some jerk because, well, date / mate, what’s the difference. They never bothered to answer all those page two questions. Ten years and two kids after all this great sex began, they realize the guy is an unreconstructed bum and they just want out. They want to start their whole lives over. Only now, at thirty, she has two kids, stretch marks, and a jerk of an ex-husband to start life over with – quite different from where they were when they were twenty.

Sex is great, but sex doesn’t know the difference between Prince Charming and prune danish. Our brain and our heart are by far the most important two organs of sex. They teach us with whom and when it is right to have sex. (I’m not being too frank here, am I kids?)

Well, the reason I had to say all that precautionary stuff about s-e-x is because I really want to say a lot of good things about it. Do you know who invented marriage? God. You can look it up. And intimacy (I got embarrassed of saying sex too much) was the reason He invented marriage. (Read Genesis 2.) From looking at the world, you would think Satan invented intimacy. It seems that the only ones not enjoying intimacy are the stuffy Christians. In reality, Satan has perverted intimacy. He has diminished it. What was once the climactic union of two committed-for-life people has been reduced to a sensual dessert – much anticipated, quickly experienced, soon forgotten. It just ain’t right.

Marriage is the only acceptable context for intimacy - this has been proven by Christians and non-Christians alike. My point in saying this is not just to discourage you from an inappropriate sexual relationship. I want to encourage you to expect a fabulous sexual relationship. I want you to know that regardless of whom you marry, God intends to use intimacy to drive you crazy in love with your partner. My wife puts it this way, "God does not look away when you have sex." He created male and female for this specific purpose! (Now that’s more than enough reason to praise God!) The health of so many marriages rises and falls upon the intimate climate of the relationship. I just have to tell you this. God invented marriage as the context in which to be intimate. He will not withhold from you anything that would bless your intimacy with your spouse. As you travel down the years together (with whomever), never let your eye stray from your spouse. Never be satisfied with routine and dull intimacy. The God of all Creation has "much more" in store for you than boredom. Claim your promise and claim your prize!

That was probably more than you expected and may well be more than you really want to know right now. I want to throw some things out in front of you to deal with at the appropriate time. The sad and difficult part of my ministry is trying to stuff the toothpaste back in the tube. I am saying to you two the things that I wish someone had said to me and to so many of the people that now have lives and marriages marked with pity and shame. I want you two to have nothing but all the glory God has in store for you.

I will add just a few more thoughts here and then be done.

First, I want both of you to know that no matter who you marry God has set a pattern in place that will GUARANTEE your life-long joy with that person. I think that pattern is best expressed in Ephesians 5.22-32. Will you each read that passage soon? The important part to observe is that God has used marriage to explain the relationship between Christ and the church! Now that (to me) is powerful! Let's add Romans 8.32. Do you think for one minute, God is going to let your marriage be mediocre? I maintain that God has no greater desire outside of salvation than to bless marriage. So whenever you tie the knot, you tie it tight because you are going to be in for the most wonderful ride of your life.

Second, young man, whoever you marry, You The Man! God is going to look to you 100% for the spiritual and emotional health of the marriage. You can look it up. Read Deuteronomy 24.5. Your responsibility to give happiness to your wife is greater even the holy wars God called Israel to. That is significant! Read Proverbs 5.18 and Ecclesiastes 9.9. It seems to me that the burden for joy in the marriage falls solely on the man. Are you ready for that young man? Can you deliver the goods? Do you realize that in every situation and at all times, your mate's joy depends on you treating her as Christ treats the church? Maybe that's what they mean when they talk about "the high calling of Christ"!

That's pretty much what I have to say to two beautiful young adults who have obviously found love in one another. Will you forgive me if I have presumed or said to much? I am prompted by the Holy Spirit to say these things (even the sex stuff). I only want God's best for you and I want it to begin at the beginning.

I merely want to beg you to be honest with God, with yourselves, and with each other. Make no commitments that your heart does not lead you to make. What molehills you compromise on now will become mountains in the future. I promise you. I am not lying.

Please feel free to forward and/or copy and distribute this letter.

email Clark

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